My boyfriend Jack lives 1800 miles away and happens to be eleven years my junior. Although the geographical distance between us has certainly been an issue in our relationship, for me, it hasn’t been the greatest challenge.

Jack and I had been dating for nearly four months when he asked if I would consider coming to Idaho to share Thanksgiving with him and his friends. This would be the first Thanksgiving I’ve ever spent away from my family but I missed Jack and really wanted to be with him. I thought, “Why not do something totally outrageous, skip the family thing for once, and go to Idaho to see my boyfriend for the holiday?” So I did.

I knew Thanksgiving this year would be different, but I wasn’t expecting how different the reality of our two worlds really was. Our plan was to share dinner at his friend Emily’s house along with twenty-five other people. “This is going to be fun,” I thought. I don’t have to cook, clean up, chase kids around or entertain my family 24/7. I can relax and enjoy Jack and his friends because I’m on vacation!”

Perception is My Reality
When we arrived at Emily and Mark’s home, my mood changed. The atmosphere felt more to me like a party than Thanksgiving dinner. The ladies were huddled together on one side of the room talking about work, men and fashion and the men were either glued to the television watching football or milling in and out of the house drinking beer or enjoying a smoke. It felt casual which I expected, but it didn’t feel warm and inviting and that made me pause. Until now, the difference in age and lifestyle between Jack and I wasn’t visible because we were basically invisible as a couple – dating mostly over the phone. Standing amid a room full of younger people, I felt like a dinosaur, and not the popular T-Rex – more like the lumbering long neck Brachiosaurus looking for food at the tops of trees while the younger, faster breed socialized below. All I wanted to do was retreat to the airplane and fly home to my kids where being a “long neck” felt just fine.

I knew Jack told his friends I was older and had children and I never felt a qualm about it. But as he began introducing me around the room, I found myself wanting to spontaneously blurt out, “I’m not Mrs. Robinson!” “Are those really her boobs?” I thought I heard one girl whisper. “Not possible – they atrophy after you have kids,” another voice said back. “Oh my God, is that her stomach bulging under her shirt?” as I sucked in what wasn’t necessary, and tried to make the belt buckle under my shirt more obvious. I felt my spirit spiraling into the ground and my body becoming rigid with anxiety. This was not me and it was not the warm and fuzzy holiday experience I was expecting.

Jack squeezed my hand and the security of his touch brought me part way back to reality. “Get a grip” I said to myself. I’m here with my man and my man is here with me so just relax. What I wanted was for Jack to pull me close like he owned me, so that I felt safe, but he didn’t. And I didn’t cling to him because it’s not my style. We were both unsettled and I was at a complete loss as to how to get grounded again. The host came out of the kitchen to say hello and while she and Jack were “catching up,” I motioned to Jack that I was going to walk around, and then I bolted for the patio doors trying to get out of what felt like a caldron of boiling water I was about to submerge myself into. It was a relief to be outside and away from everyone else and I found myself taking deep breaths like I had been running for an hour. I missed my kids and I was spooling, “What the hell is wrong with you?” I whispered indignantly to no one as I pretended to be interested in the flowers. “Pull your head out. Who cares what anyone thinks about you being older, you are! But you look good, you feel good and you’re proud of who you are so buck up little camper, put your big girl panties on and get back in there.” It’s really hard to coach yourself from the bench but it’s a good technique to perfect. Just then, Jack came through the doors and asked who I was talking to? “Myself,” I said with a weak smile. I knew I needed to be honest with him so he knew why I was outside and not inside and I admitted that I missed my kids and I felt out of place at the party. He did all the right things. He held my hand and reassured me that everyone was really excited about meeting me. That’s what I had been waiting for since we arrived.

I felt supported this time going back into the den and that made all the difference in my attitude. This time as I looked around the room, I realized no one was staring at me or whispering behind my back, in fact, they weren’t paying attention to me at all. The prattle between the women was innocent and the men were content to whoop and holler every once in a while at a great pass play. And the voices I was hearing in my head earlier? I realized they were my own - repeating things I said when I was the twenty-five year old woman at the party being introduced to the forty-year old girlfriend of a mutual friend. I wondered at that moment if she heard the same voices I did so many years ago and I felt remorse. I never thought I would be the “older woman.” Maybe she didn’t either but I pushed those thoughts away so that I could enjoy the evening.

Jack stepped away to get us a drink and I stood in my truth behind a double wide chair waiting, smiling and observing. One of Jack’s friends, a bubbly woman named Jenny, walked right up and introduced herself. She looked so much like my niece with her long, curly blonde hair, I immediately felt comfortable talking to her. Within ten minutes, I was encouraging her to quit the job she hated and go find herself. “That’s exactly what I need to do,” she said. “How did you know?” I wanted to say, “Because I’ve had ten years of therapy.” Instead I said, “You will too eventually, for now, just get on the horse and ride,” and then she hugged me. “I’m back!” I intimated to myself. “That’s the woman I know and love” I thought. It felt good to be back in my “old” skin rather than trying to stuff myself into something new. Once I felt better, I could feel Jack relax with me.

Getting My Groove Back
In shifting from being insecure and critical to comfortable, I was able to stop focusing on what I didn’t have in common with everyone in the room and start focusing on what I did… Jack. In getting to know his friends, I would learn more about him and that felt far more productive and enjoyable than critiquing myself. I could feel the room starting to expand as I became more comfortable talking to people and exposing my true self. By embracing the woman I know and love in myself, and trusting however she was perceived was just fine, I was able to relax and mingle with many other guests throughout the evening. Listening and talking to Jenny helped get me grounded and set the tone for the rest of the evening. And because I was willing to embrace change rather than continue to fight it, Thanksgiving dinner ended up being an unexpected, enjoyable new holiday experience.

What Meeting His Friends Has Taught Me about Myself
I didn’t think spending time with friends could feel like family, but I was wrong. Once I got past my own notion of what a holiday experience should be, everything changed; Faces looked softer; The ambiance felt more welcoming; I heard the laughter that had been there all along; What I thought was meaningless chatter was actually playful banter between friends and in listening rather than trying to assert myself into the conversations, I learned my boyfriend is a great man and his friends care very much about him. Isn’t that how “family” is supposed to feel?